I have sat down to write a blog post many times over the last 4 months, and have not been able to do it. I think part of it is I like to write about the positive things that are happening with the Bug, and try not to dwell on the negative. It is hard for me to sometimes write about the hard stuff because I don't wish to complain. Truth is a lot of the time, it is really hard. He has hit a rough patch and we are trying to work through it. Many activities we have been able to do with him for years have become almost too difficult. For example, a major melt down in the middle of every Sacrament Meeting, a major melt downs at the grocery store, and melt downs just traveling in the car. The tricky thing is figuring out what is sensory caused, what is medication, and what is just behavioral.
Today at church we tried taking extra precautions. We brought big head phones to help with the crying babies, made sure he had plenty of paper and his favorite markers. But he couldn't even make it through the sacrament. The major meltdown started and me sweet husband took him out, but I had decided to go switch him as soon as the sacrament was over. My husband and I have become so tired of the commotion we end up causing every sunday. I know we have a loving ward, and most people mean well, but it is hard when you are taking your child out and you feel as though every eye is on you. I guess it's a good thing I'm stubborn, because even though it is hard, even though I hate having everyone look at us, I will keep on coming to church and try. One of these days, we will make it through sacrament meeting. We've done it many times before.
When I went home to switch my husband, the Bug was sitting on the couch and I said to him, "Are you having a rough time?" he looked up and answered, "Ya, yes." They have been working on "Yes" and "no" at school and every now and again, he will respond appropriately. We were also holding a special family fast today for the Bug. We have a new baby on the way, and we have to get this figured out. He then proceeded to play with his train and I just said a prayer, pleading for help and guidance. To make a long story short, I was able to get him back to church, and he was so good. Not one hit. We even went and hung out in nursery for a bit. It ended up being an interesting day with some sweet spiritual experiences and insight for both my husband and I.
I know the issues he is having are not going to be fixed over night, and time and time again I have to learn to swallow my pride and not worry what others think about me or my precious son. But I do know that a way will be provided, and we will figure this out.
Reading your blog post, I remembered a story from when I was 12 that I had not thought about in a long time. I don't know if I told anyone this story before but it seemed appropriate to share. I hope that the point I'm trying to make can bring you some comfort, and I can also take a moment to tell you how proud I am to call you my sister. You are a wonderful wife and mother, and a blessing to those in your life.
ReplyDeleteAs you may remember, when I was 12 I used to mow Grandma's lawn in the summer. Before Grandpa got really sick and his health was declining, he began to get really fixated on trying to help me change the bag for the lawn mower. Often times I would let him help because he did still have a lot of strength, and I'd often let the bag get pretty full to where it was quite heavy. I remember Grandma being pretty frustrated with him going out there, but there really wasn't much that she could do.
Over time, Grandpa began to get more obsessed, that one time he was trying to take the bag off while I was still mowing the lawn, and I had just changed the bag maybe five minutes prior, so it was barely even full. I resisted to let him take the bag off, so he very gently hit me, I believe on top of the head. It didn't hurt at all, but I remember he sort of froze for a moment as if he felt really guilty, and then I think that he ran back in the house. I'm pretty sure that was the last time he ever tried to help me change the bag on the lawn mower.
What always stuck with me was that even though his mind was not the same as it was at this point, and he often wasn't in control of his actions anymore, he still had feelings and some occasional moments where he seemed very aware, and eager to try to communicate.
Also, through this experience, I'm reminded of how amazing of a care taker Grandma was toward Grandpa. It was through a very difficult period of her life that she showed all of us a great example of love, and how to endure great suffering while she helped Grandpa through his final days. I think that her example may have something to do with why you have been able to be so resilient in difficult times, and why you are a blessing to the "Bug". I've been thinking a lot about what we can learn about ourselves lately by learning more about our heritage.
A couple of years later when he passed away, I remember that I had a hard time showing emotion. I don't think that has anything to do with what had happened. I went through my teenage years and young adult years, and probably only cried a handful of times. But I do remember that while I was at Woodbadge a few years ago, that we sang "How Great Thou Art" during the religious service, which we also sung at his funeral. It seemed very strange to me, but I just lost it emotionally during that song. A lady who was on my team noticed that I was getting emotional and walked with me for a little while after the service so that I could just let everything out. It seemed like a random time to be thinking about Grandpa, but it was a very amazing experience, and I'm glad someone was there to help me grieve.
Anyways Sis, I love you and know that you will be able to figure out how to help your family to thrive no matter what. I also know that it can be hard (though important) to hear words of encouragement some times, even when you are doing all you possibly can, and can't figure out why things aren't going the way you expect them. I know that for me, whenever I'm going through hard times, it's hard for me to listen to other people's advice because I feel like I should already know what I am being told. But as I play it back in my mind later, sometimes I come across a new insight that I had never quite understood before, and those are also the times where I need the humility and encouragement more than anything else. Hope that helps!
Heather I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time with "bug". You are an amazing mom! Congrats on expecting again. I know you will figure this out and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteHow great that he could go back to church yesterday, Heather! The little strides forward can mean so much. You are a wonderful mother, and I think sometimes that stubbornness or a refusal to give up is the only thing we can hold onto to get us through the rough patches. You are doing a great job! It will get better. It may be slow, but we've seen big improvements in our family over similar issues. So glad you wrote about this!
ReplyDeleteKevin, I loved hearing that story, and I know Brent will too when I show it to him. Thanks for sharing that and for also being an understanding caretaker for Grandpa and a loving, helpful grandson to Grandma. I know she always appreciated and was proud of her grandsons who were so willing to help in the yard when Grandpa was sick.
ReplyDeleteHeather, as I think of you and how you worry about what people think of you as you deal with M.--I'm guessing that 99.9% of the people who are watching you are wanting to help, but certainly don't know how and their looks are looks of love and concern and support. I will hope (and pray) that when you are feeling self-conscious you will instead know how much you are loved and appreciated for your example of patience and great motherhood under very difficult circumstances. And, we are so excited for your new little baby!!!!
October 15, 2012 6:49 AM
It is so very important to see the small miracles that happen when you are in the middle of something very hard. I'm so glad that you keep trying. It's sets such a wonderful example for the rest of us.
ReplyDeleteAnd I know the looks make you uncomfortable but I know that more than just mine come from concern and love and a desire to make your hard stuff just a bit easier but sometimes I just don't know how :)
Thanks for your post, Heather. I truly think you are an inspiration. I know I am nowhere close to understanding what you are going through, but I admire you for being such a good mom and loving your children unconditionally, especially through the hard times. I know Heavenly Father is watching over all of you.
ReplyDeleteI agree that what Liz said is true, that most the looks are out of concern and love for you and your family. I hope you know that there are many close by that are always here to help, myself included. Sometimes we don't know how, but we are here for whatever you need.
I think you're a wonderful person and hope you will let others help you and not feel like you're being a burden. I will pray for your family that things will get better as you look forward to the new baby on the way (Congrats!)
I admire you and your sweet family so very much.
ReplyDeleteIf you should feel my gaze at church know that it is out of admiration. I don't know your struggles but I see your strength, your sweet nature and the love that radiates from your family. Yes even when you are taking Bug out of the chapel/room. In those moments I say a silent prayer that you too see yourself in that light and are reminded of how remarkable you are.
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